An Englishman's Cell is his Castle!?

I love the acoustics in old English cells but luckily so far have not had to spend more than one night in them ... hehe! But whilst temporarily detained in HM Compulsory B&B Custody Suite Facility i.e. the drunk tank ... a possible alternative accommodation idea occurred to me!
 

When guilty I hang my head in shame thinking lots but this time I was innocent so really enjoying singing loudly and at length an operatic adaptation and prison protest version of my favourite gospel song as follows: 'Oh scum all ye faithless may ye rot in Hell!' for about four hours when the following idea was inspired by those wonderful old acoustics!

'The Cells' ... Victorian prisons could easily be converted into motels with wonderfully private rooms i.e. soundproofed acoustic chambers for use for anything from silent meditation to primal screaming coz even tho u have WiFi and all minimalist mod con's u can still shut out the whole world when u want to and I would pay good money for that sometimes! I can hear the marketing already ... 'No one can hear u scream but now the lock is on the inside and the guest always keeps the key so no worries also u will be relieved to hear that a comfy bed is guaranteed and breakfast will be served b4 midday' ... He-He-Hehe, Mad cackle etc!

So if anyone is feeling brave enough to face 'Dragons Den' with this investment proposition they may consider using me as Exhibit A: 'The usual suspect and most likely paying customer'! ... but preferably not via fines! :) LOL

The Gradual Assassination of a Professional Nobody!

This story is a plot for a book or a movie about a professional nobody! Now he is indeed a nobody and before his 'mid life crisis' he was a professional something or other but now however is very much unremarkable! So this story is not so much about this truly unremarkable nobody as it is more about the remarkable amount of spare police time devoted to 'gradually assassinating' him psychologically!

This nobody has a peculiar memory which works by association then flashback then total recall about two months after the fictional crime for which he has been found guilty! This leads to many interactions which are far more farcical than fiction but the fact that he can replay what actually happened two months later on his own personal in-head '3d replay cinema' with photographic accuracy has unfortunately proven inadmissable in court ... so far!

Underemployed (F)artistry 1 666

Full size 4000*2000 pixel original bonkers art JPEG available at: http://e-learninghub.org/Fartistry/Could someone please find a Doctor.jpg

The above collage of (f)artistry aka 'Underemployed (F)Artistry 1' aka 'Could someone please find a Doctor?.jpeg' started as my first panoramic experimental photo of 'Birkenhead Town Hall and Hamilton Square Photosphere 360%' using my then new 8MPixel Google Nexus 4 at Xmas 2013 in full wow 'Google Camera Photosphere' mode! ...

... However it came out so wonderfully gothic that over Xmas  I added Gandalf's hat (via Google Images) to my shadow and then Stumbledore's magic began in the new year! ...
 
... In Jan 2014 I got mugged by the usual suspects so got busy indoors doodling for shoulder pain, using Gimp 2.8 on PC mostly, and produced this bonkers evolving (Xmas 2013 - Halloween 2015) psycho-doodle!

About once a month if I go out I get mugged by either the usual suspects or the local teenage mutant bandit turtles so since 2014 I have been staying indoors more and ...

... I have found that adding 1 scary doctor, 1 naughty nurse, 1 random alien and 1 riddle to this collage whilst having 1 glass of wine and mousing furiously in Gimp 2.8 has been very therapeutic for my shoulder pain and for my mood  hehe ... well at least a lot better than the traditional birko beating I get if I venture out for a beer in the ghetto after dark!  :) :( [?] hehe LOL mad cackle!

The cast of characters presently includes: 8 'Scary Doctors', 2 'Doctors Assistants', 50+ 'Daleks', 21 'Naughty Nurses',  2 'Droids', 2 'Prophets' , 2 'Superheros',  2 'Spaceships', 1 'Police Constable', 1 'Protestor' and the shadow of 'a deranged lunatic' etc etc! When I cant sleep I count that lot and zzzz! :) hehe

Enjoy and regards YXOS

p.s. I call it a 'Collage of (F)artistry' coz theres virtually nothing original in it ... Everything in it is either free or freely available on the internet So I want to gently circulate it at its full 4000x2000 resolution for free just to see if anybody can be bothered to zoom into my vaguely artistic but mostly engineering sense of humour! hehe

p.p.s. Yao Xiang meaning 'Enlightenment in the details' or 'Pedantic nitpicker' is my Buddhist name!

p.p.p.s. The 'F' in 'Collage of (F)art' stands for '(F)ree' implying a collage of (F)ree art assembled for farting about purposes mainly LOL!

p.p.p.p.s. If any old art shop should want to sell this 'Underemployed (F)artistry 1' aka 'Could someone please find a Doctor.jpeg' then plz do so and send all proceeds to the 'WTF happened to Ian Tomlinson 2009 Fund'! ... until such time as its bringing in 2 salaries at which time I would like half maybe? ... or Gizajob Plz? ... LOL

p.p.p.p.p.s Recently I decided to celebrate my 54th birthday safely indoors on my own other than Skype then the teenage neighbour did a 2 hour Jimi Hendrix guitar solo thru our terraced cottage wall to which I responded eventually with 5 mins of Nigel Kennedy doing Hungarian plate throwing music on Dolby surround at full volume at 5pm and an hour later the cops kicked my door in without a warrant and beat me unconscious while I was quietly asleep in my couch in front of RTTV on satellite tv! I think that they were more offended by my Russian anti fascist taste in tv than my European anti noise taste in music! ... but what really offended them was my statement thru my letter box 'no warrant no entry ... European law applies here whether u voted for it or not so no thx to your "assistance" and Good night officer'! He went away waited 10 mins for me to fall asleep came back broke in and beat me unconscious while asleep and deliberately smashed up my android tablet to destroy the evidence coz I had stupidly informed him he was being recorded for youtube. And even b4 I could crawl painfully outta my couch i have recived a registered letter eviction notice coz I musta started it ... He who lies first gets believed ... Welcome to 'Brutish Justice'! :(

Missiles at the Syrian Corral! ... A Truly Sadly Eastern Western! :) :(

The big ranchers don't like Sheriff Abad-Guy of Damnedascus having heard thru their grapevine that many citizens from the local town, many of whom were Uncle Sam's cousins, were massacred by the Sheriff!

Uncle Sam, as he is known to his minions, is the biggest baddest rancher in town and is in the saloon talking to a gathering of a handful of other large ranchers (i.e. Frank Holland, Dave Porker and Angle Merger etc) and their assembled many many gun-slinging cowboys (e.g. Pierre, Tommy and Fritz etc etc)! Mr Sam Texasowner thinks to himself "I sure as hell aint talking to no thieving farmers union boss who sometimes has the cheek to lay claim to Sam's 'Godgiven land which his great grandfather stole off of the 'Indians' his-self personal like'" about the looming prospect of friendship with the old cold enemy farmer Rutin to fight against a new common dastardly dratted dreaded evil enemy ... El Banditos!!! He looks at the sign outside the saloon 'No Farmers Allowed' and says quietly 'Farmers may shoot banditos but that aint no good reason to stop shooting farmers now is it dudes hehehe mad cackle'!

Uncle Sam 'Az done n gone n got izself started e az' he says to himself in Texas-speak rhen loudly adds: 'I am gonna lynch that murderous bastard just like I lynched the other 2 goddamn (sheriffs of the 2 nearby towns) murderous mutants... Damnedascus might end up run by the slaughtering banditos just like Dodgybad and Trippedlessness did when we lynched their murderous mutant sheriffs and many more will die but I don't give a good goddamn coz back then he knew that he was killing friends of mine so he should now know that he is the walking dead ... This here is lynching country not scalping country and I am gonna keep it that way even if I am the last man jack left standing' ... This gets a large response of 'Yeehaw yippee-i-o-kiy-yea' etc and they drink a lot of whisky whilst wondering how to lynch the sheriff of Damnedascus without leaving any evidence coz ...

Uncle Sam has been waging a very slow war of attrition on Sheriff Abadguy of Damnedascus by just taking pot shots at the banditos occasionally whilst praying that the banditos get to the sheriff b4 the citizens demand that Uncle Sam lynch the banditos and actually finish the murderous mutants off which he doesn't want to do just yet coz ...

The Eastern Farmers Union have noticed what the western lynching ranchers n cowboys r up to! They r none too sure about the sheriffs past but they know that any sheriff is better than a dead sheriff and and know that if they wait for Uncle Sam to stop sulking slowly then the sheriff will be dead and uncle Sam will own everything once the slaughtering banditos have moved in and killed everyone in Damndedascus starting with women and children so ...

When Sheriff Abadguy invites the farmers union to defend Damndedascus from chaos and annihilation by really attacking El banditos rather than waiting for Uncle Sam who is just taking potshots at El banditos and waiting for them to lynch the sheriff they respond so effectively on a budget of ploughshares and bread that they embarrass getting nowhere loads of lolly Uncle Sam into obeying the law briefly coz ...

Everyone is starting to work out that Uncle Sam really doesn't mind everybody being killed slowly as long as he owns everything in the end!?

... The End but hopefully not for everyone!

Tune in next week for the next episode of the Siege of Damnedascus ... Will uncle Sam lynch Sheriff Abadguy ... Will the farmers union arrest Uncle Sam with the help of the cowardly UN-Rangers ... Can the farmers union finish off El banditos on their own while the ranchers n gunslingers polish their guns or will everyone eventually lynch everyone ... Who knows who cares who can tell? ...um!

BTW 'Damndedascus' is half Damascus and half Tombstone, 'Dodgybad' is half Dodge half Baghdad and 'Trippedlessness' is mostly Tripoli ... And any correlation between this fictional cowboy story and the sad reality in Syria, Iraq and Libya is purely farcical but entirely not funny coz the 'joke' is at our expense! :) :(

Episode 2: Uncle Sam came up with his I wannabe a mad senator plan: if we kill sheriff abadguy the farmers union wil unite and rise against us for leaving Damnedascus defenceless so instead let's just stay in 'the mainstream media saloon' for 6 months chatting bull about stopping the main terrorist banditots but meanwhile let's arm any random banditos who hates the main el'banditis and also hates sheriff abadguy then call them moderates and send them after that doggone sheriff! Motto: 'Whilst we wash our hands in here those fanatics can do the dirty work now then when sheriff abadguy is gone we can move in and carve up that town on humitarin grounds hehe mad cackle'

However after 5 months El'Banditos aka Da-esh are herded very skillfully by Rutin the super herder and leader of thr eastern farmers union and friends into an honourable ceasefire with potential for genuine diplomatic negotiation and not involving turning Damnedascus into a ghost town ...

Uncle Sams surprisingly racist reaction to the good news of this ceasefire in the siege of Damnedascus was something like ' The only diplomatic savage is a dead savage! And WTF?' He then got back to drinking a pecuiliar mix of whiskey and Damnedascus oil in 'the mainstream media saloon' muttering 'bubble bubble oil and trouble' mostly to himself! :)

Episode 3: how dare we be such scum that we would kill everyone for energy