Guilty until proven insane!

Until I found myself stranded in a police no go area near the local ghetto or 'sink estate' with my stalker attached to my neck and requiring assistance the police were always available but then ....

I cheekily informed them on my cellphone that I am actually being half strangled by a wooly teenage mutant metalhead mammoth and 'we will be with u within 2 hours' was not an appropriate response in this circumstance so then they came out and arrested me for inventing my stalker who was long gone coz he ran away when he heard them say 'we r coming to beat u sir clown' etc etc ha ha!

Who can find the long lost arm of the law? :) Lol

Not swearing drunkenly in the presence of a police officer! :)

Friggin ell m8 geroff me freaky neck will ya ... wot a load of fascist Bolsheviks u flying frigging Knuth's really really are etc etc is not swearing lol but they cannae tell! ... At least not in my accent at payday pub closing time anyway! :) LOL

I run this kinda nonsense past a football scrum of Merseyside Police Officers most monthly payday pub closing times! It doesn't get me very far but it cheers me up and it's great fun listening to what they say I said later in court! A little bit boilerplate but other than that an excellent work of fiction usually! LOL

From wine snob to wine slob! :)

Timber corks then screw tops then omg wot no red then back to supermall to omg no more timber corks anymore! Its been a long way down however it was quite a pleasant descent cushioned mostly by cab sauv! :) lol

Brutish justice always strikes twice off camera! :). :(

In my last 15 approx interactions with the Brutish legal system I have pleaded guilty 3 times and today was the third! Because I was guilty I thought that I did not need my rather excellent lawyer/solicitor to say 'it's a fair cop guvnor u got me bang to rights etc' but boy was I wrong!

Yes I was guilty of drunkenly running outside coz my drug dealer whom I sadly share a kitchen with was going nuts coz I had told him that I had spent my money on vodka (true) and had no more (untrue) just to get him outta his habit on my (every) payday! I ran angrily into traffic then when I realised that the freak with the knife had remained in the kitchen I calmed down and reverted from screaming to grumbling and muttering 'Jesus f-n Christ might forgive u but I never f-n will' etc et who cares cetera! I then wobbled very carefully back towards our front door but was unfortunately assisted by the local rugby amateurs b4 I got there!

I say amateurs coz tho Merseyslide beat bobbies r very professional at the off camera flying rugby tackle they sadly only speak 'footie'! Lol

So yes I was very drunk, no I should not have been outside and yes technically this made me guilty of their favourite offence D&D ... So yep guilty as charged and they have no need to lie (i.e. for once the case was not the usual complete fabrication in the interest of inverse class warfare) but I forgot just how perjurious the Crown Perjury System can be and ...

They lied almost completely! I say almost coz during their pathetic laughable perjury which would only be believed by people who do not know me I nodded once to the yes I was very drunk bit! Then the boilerplate lies started and I shook my head to confirm the negative of each lie ...

According to the CPS I am an illiterate profane violent abusive Irish gypsy aka a tinker! I say ... just coz the red haired tattooed officer (e.g. 2428) is descended from Tinker's kicked off my great grandfather's land 150 years ago and he now mostly only shovels the shit kicked off of my father's land 50 years ago is no good reason to be angry and unforgiving ... good slur!

Once the flow of nonsense began I started shaking my head and all the judges looked away simultaneously which was probably just as well or they might have called an ambulance thinking I was having some kinda shaking Parkinson's fit! :).  :(

Apparently and supposedly I did WTF WTF and more WTF ... Tbel

After listening to this utter utter drivel the magistrate said 'Your record doesn't read very well Mr OSullivan' to which I responded 'Agreed very sorry your honour ... but it works wonderfully as a work of fiction on my blog!'

... Lol/col

Attack of the Morons!

First they try to kill the hand that's feeding them but then they realise that they might be arrested if their moronic coppers ever find them after their exercise in little Math!

So then they try to eat the hand that's just stopped feeding them whilst wondering why the hand has abandoned them despairingly! But the moronic copters realize that this is 'merely a civil matter'!

Then they call all available officials and start talking politically correct Orwellian doublespeak whilst accusing the hand of deliberately starving them!

Obviously this has nothing to do with my life in the United Flingdom and is merely an exercise in farcical unbelievable shite! Col

Doktah Oot sez: Anyone for leeches today?

And unfortunately in this sadly un updated 21st century almost everyone responds yes please!

In the 15th century holistic medicine got labeled as witchcraft and Chinese/Indian mumbo jumbo and now we have dangerous surgeons everywhere specialising in chopping different bits of me off and I say no thanks!

As I lie here in bed in short term agony after I just woke up very early due to pain this lot happens:

1. My eyelids turn inside out then my jaw clicks agonisingly!

2. My jaw then clicks repeatedly in decreasing levels of agony!

3. Then my right shoulder clicks agonisingly!

4. My right shoulder then clicks repeatedly in decreasing levels of agony while I pull strange faces aka 'kundalini grimacing'!

5. Then both my hips click agonisingly!

6. I then can sorta sit up and do some hip waggling exercises!

7. Then Lazarus here can at last arise and get outta bed and go do a peculiar mix of googled yoga and tai chi and prescribed physiotherapy exercises!

8. Then after 2 hours of 'mumbo jumbo' I can limp patiently and despairingly towards the army of surgeons waiting to chop bits off of me ...

ENT Surgeon ... No thanks!
Maxillofacial Surgeon ... No thanks!
Orthopaedic Surgeon ... No thanks!
Etc etc et sadly compartmentalised cetra!

This phoenix will arise outta his own ashes provided this lot r kept away!

Meanwhile it's quite sad to c my physiotherapist who should know better shrug his shoulders patiently when I mention that I wish I had read the Bhagavad-Gita etc b4 I messed with my chakras instead of starting with Crowley+Leary+Wilson etc!

I say he should know better coz he is of Hindu origin and they understood this stuff 10,000 years ago!

Conclusion: Progress is not always forwards!

Racist twats r everywhere eh innit mr blighter!?

The many local fakers r very good at the 'I iz a victim I iz ... so lets ukipper this old git' rap:

I iz black (or any shade of brown) and playing the racist card I iz ... lol,
I is a girlie-grill I iz so I is playing the sexist card I iz ... lol,
I iz underage I iz so let's chase this old git around the road at pub closing time playing the paedo card ... col ...

... Et cetera et cetera et go get a life cetera!

P.s. Pun intended above based on Enid Blyton and 'Anyone for more toffee but surely Fweddie prefers fwudge ... what ho?'  'Pwopah' English as she used to be spoken etc etc he he!